How

So, I'm in denial about the fact that I'm graduating in one day. I just don't feel ready. I wanted this week to be filled with meaningful time with people, and it totally was in part, but there was also so much of my time taken up by rehearsals and packing and just trying not to be stressed. Everybody keeps asking me “Are you ready to graduate? Are you excited about graduating?” 

 Frankly, the answer is “No!” I don't feel ready to leave Messiah. Messiah has been my home for the past 4 years. My friends and my professors have been my extended family. How am I supposed to say goodbye to all of these people? How am I supposed to leave music ensembles which, though sometimes contributing to it, have been the main outlet for my stress? I may never in my life have another opportunity to sing with a choir that is amazing in so many ways I can't put it into words. Honestly, it hurts.

Don't get me wrong. I am excited about the future. I am excited about China, about teaching, and about what Father will do through me. But I am also pretty scared as well. Today was one of those days where I was reminded of everything I will be leaving behind: friends, family, choir, teaching music, my school Fellowship...I keep thinking of how in a few months I will be an English teacher. I ask myself, “How am I going to do this?”...and it's not just teaching English, but, “how do I be a good teacher if my students don't try, or cheat because they don't understand what I've taught, or how do I show patient love when things aren't going well, or whatever crazy situation may come my way?”

How am I supposed to do these things?!? HOW????

I CAN'T. I can't muster up the strength to say goodbye to the people and places I love. I can't love or teach well of my own accord. I just can't.

BUT, I know I have a Father who can. I'm glad I don't have to answer all these “hows” on my own because I would probably fall to pieces. By His strength I will do these or whatever things come my way and to Him be the glory. I will lean on Him. That is the only thing I CAN do.